Crest

Ranting about myself.

All of these were but a part of an ongoing process to come to terms with myself. It was accelerated when someone said something that I pretty much never actually thought fell on me. And that validates that statement. Now what was that he actually said to me, it was pretty easy. He said that I was pretty arrogant to people, very cold to people that I supposedly perceive as lower. I have never thought of such a possibility, I could have thought of rejecting that notion. It disturbs me a lot though, it is like something akin to enlightenment except it is much warped and twisted. Arrogant, me? It is actually quite possible, I am not perceptive to others in my opinion.

And I have definitely committed that mistake of saying words too easily, too freely without considering others' opinions. When I entered the army, I told and taught myself that I should just ignore people who are unkind but somehow it has transmuted and changed into rancour.

Is this what people call concupiscence? All these has sharpened my senses and my mind into something.. that I see as perhaps sin in humanity on a much more personal level? Perhaps to quote from the Bible, "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me." from Romans 7:15-24. It is frightening when I posed to myself, so should I just consign all these to pure hatred or attempt to rebel, to turn against all these impulses of uneasiness, the answer was that it is so easy to let them burn. Like a hoary bush, all these feelings should just burn into anger and hatred and it will be released through scheming how to go against those who actually mock and lower me.

Yet no, the law of conscience intervenes. It is easy to just bow one's head into emotions. Yet emotions don't consist only of just negative thoughts, the easy path is always in front of one's eyes but how often do we or me in this case know whether is it the best path? The calls of change goes even stronger, it is easy to just write about this, let the frustration slowly evaporate into the night. Life goes on. I need the strength to force myself to change. To change against the tide, for the better not for the worse.

The past 7 months has forced my complexes to surface, the inferior complex, the me who feels so inferior when compared against others and utterly lacking any confidence in myself. And the contradictory narcissistic complex, where I believe myself to be able to achieve wonderful things. Yet this wonderful thing is changing, now it is threatened to just derail into something so much more petty and trivial just for myself. I believe that I can do something wonderful but in the present, I believe that I am utterly useless.

Some minor accomplishments and I thought I was on my path to achieving it and I let conceit rush to my head. It was such a miserable sight to see me upset people because of that. True that I am magnifying this because I always think too much but yet there are traces of it granted it would be forgotten by the other parties themselves for it is so minor. It's not just some sides of the fairytale, what I need to do is to change the whole story.

On a side note, this is making me look utterly like an emo kid. Hooray, actually all I need is to be more comfortable with myself at times.